BRYAN XY (dot) COM >> yesterday i dared to struggle. today i dare to win.

FAQ: So people can ask these questions less frequently

Last Updated: 09/05/2008

This is where the answers to popular questions go. Don't be afraid to shoot me an e-mail if you have any questions that are not listed here, at ON TRANSITIONING, or anywhere else on the website. If I didn't want to share details about my life, I wouldn't have made a website about it, I encourage questions. I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Patience is appreciated.

Newer questions are towards the top, older questions are towards the bottom.

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Q12: Do you pass as a male? Do people look at you weird in public? How are you treated?

A11: I'm treated just like everybody else, and I don't get weird looks in public unless I do something weird. As for if I'm passable as a male, check MY GALLERY and decide for yourself.

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Q11: Are you stealth? Who knows you're trans?

A11: I'm stealth except to people who I've known prior to transitioning like my family and old friends. I told them because they'd probably notice a change if I randomly showed up as a man one day. At work, school, etc, I'm completely stealth (aka, no one knows I'm trans). It's just easier for me that way. My paperwork has been changed and all, so I can live a relatively quiet life. I like it that way.

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Q10: How long did it take you to make this site?

A10: Hours, days, weeks of work and years (since July 14, 2005) of constant maintenance and fine tuning. BRYAN XY is a project really close to my heart ... probably because it's about my life, and all the important things in it that I can't ever let it fade away. It's also been with me through the good and (very) bad times of my life. As long as I have the money to pay for the domain and webhosting, it will always be around. I will never take it down.

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Q9: So basically ... you're a girl who wants to be a boy?

A9: I wouldn't phrase it that way. Just a note, but the question's wording is actually offensive to me, and I'm sure it's offensive to many other transguys. I'm not trying to be someone and something I'm not, I feel like I'm changing the outside to reflect the inside that has always been there. I feel like I'm a boy who was born in a female body for reasons I can't explain because I'm not a professional.

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Q8: Do you have a penis? Can you ever have one? Will you ever have one?

A8: ... I knew this question was coming, I saw it coming a continent away. In short, no, I don't have a penis. There are procedures available to remedy this, the two main ones being phalloplasties and metoidaplasties. I'm not going into the details here, click their names for descriptions of the surgeries. I can have one, yes, but it's expensive, painful, dangerous, and wouldn't create a convincing penis in my opinion. Besides, I don't think a penis defines a man. I heard this quote somewhere: "sex is between the legs, gender is between the ears." I am what I am, regardless of what equipment I have or don't have.

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Q7: How's your love life? Do you tell all your girlfriends about this? If so, how do they handle and feel about it?

A7: As normal as possible, I suppose, depending on your definition of normal. Yeah, I make sure to tell them before any relationship is formed because I'm sure they'll notice I'm missing a few things as things progress. I tried the whole "not telling them and hoping they don't notice" route ... which led to utter disaster, I've learned my lesson, and I'll never do that again. It's not public knowledge and I don't flaunt it to girls I have crushes on unless the prospect of a relationship is there. All of them, and I mean every single one of them have handled it just fine. It's not that big deal and it didn't affect us in any way. I was lucky enough to meet open-minded and caring people, I'm incredibly fortunate and I know this.

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Q6: What's the difference between a butch (manly) lesbian and a FTM? And are you sure you aren't a confused lesbian?

A6: From my understanding, butch lesbians are masculine females while FTMs are female bodied males. In my case, I knew I wasn't a lesbian because I never felt female to begin with. From as long as I could remember I preferred girls to boys and viewed myself as a male. I suppose lesbians are content with their body and their gender, while FTMs disagree and will take steps to alter themselves accordingly. I'm positive I'm not a lesbian, if I wasn't absolutely sure this was the correct path to take, I wouldn't put myself through emotional and physical hell. I don't think anyone gender transitions just for shits and giggles.

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Q5: Are you gay? Who are you attracted to?

A5: Attractive people. But seriously, no, I'm not gay. I'm attracted to females, and since I'm not a female myself, I'm not gay. Gender and sexuality are two different things. Gender is who you are, sexuality is who you like. I'm male, I like females. I'm straight.

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Q4: Can you bear children? Do you want to?

A4: If I go off the T, I think I can. Testosterone overrides the ovaries but doesn't replace them, once the testosterone is stopped, ovulation/menstrual cycle begins again. I've heard of FTMs who have taken themselves off T to become pregnant. Personally, I want children, but I don't want to bear them. I find the thought of carrying a child inside of me to be ... disturbing to say the least, and I have never and will probably never consider that prospect. Adoption is one choice, or artificial insemination if my future wife chooses to take that path.

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Q3: How can I address FTMs without offending them?

A3: What do you mean by 'them'? ... Just kidding. To each his own. Ask him in private about his preferred name. Probably male pronouns at all times, no compromising that part. But if someone asks about my transitional life in private, I prefer transitional male, or if that's too long, transguy or FTM is fine as well. I suggest just asking the person if you're unsure. Some guys just want to be known as male, that's certainly understandable.

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Q2: Where did you find all the information you know about gender dysphoria? how did you become an expert on it?

A2: I found all my information about gender dysphoria online first, because searching online provided me the luxury of privacy to look for what I wanted without drawing unwanted attention or criticism. Eventually I searched for FTM/transguys communities on livejournal.com and met other FTMs who opened my eyes and offered me the invaluable knowledge of their lives and experiences. Reading scientific and formal websites was one thing, but hearing straight from another transguy what he had gone through, the process, the feelings, etc. was an entirely different thing. Some of the transguys I met online I became great friends with offline, it was rewarding to seek out people who had already done this because they are my mentors. I hardly think of myself as expert, but whatever knowledge and experience I've gathered, I'm more than willing to share.

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Q1: What point did you realize that it was gender dysphoria and that you needed to take action? Was there a certain occurrence that sticks out in your memory that made you realize you couldn't stay in that body any longer?

A1: I've known since I was very young (6 to 7 years old) that I was a boy, and tried to tell many people about it (parents, friends, uncles and aunts) who basically brushed it off as 'just a phase' and ignored me. I tried to suppress my urges to act like a boy, but basically, failed miserably. It was clear as daylight that from the clothes I wore, the way I acted, the things I liked, etc. that I was more masculine than some of the biological males. I knew I was a boy but I didn't know what gender dysphoria was until in sixth grade when I went online and on a search engine and typed in 'sex change'. I read as much as I could, absorbing all the available knowledge and stored it in my brain for later use. I didn't want to confront this issue until I was old enough because I knew I couldn't do anything about it since I was a minor. I tried to dodge the issue, hoping that from the point I learned about gender dysphoria and to my senior year of high school that I would magically transform into a girly girl. But nothing changed.

I was a volatile teenager because I wasn't happy with who I was, the problem was facing my fear (aka myself), and dealing with this. The wake-up call and the event that kicked my ass into gear was my hip surgery in February 2004 during my junior year of high school. Being bedridden for some time with plenty of time to think, I realized that if I didn't confront this issue soon ... in a few years I'd be married to man, with kids, and stuck in a life that I never wanted. I knew that I didn't want to dig myself that far into a trench before transitioning, I had to start early and I had no more time to waste. Seeing kids with amputated appendages in the orthopedic hospital where I stayed helped open my eyes too, it made me view life with a sense of urgency and appreciation. Furthermore, if I didn't transition I knew I'd be one lonely person. I wasn't comfortable with myself and if I wasn't comfortable with myself, then I wouldn't allow anyone to get near me. The nearing of the end of high school made me realize that real life was coming soon and that if I wanted to do something, now was the time. Besides, moving from high school to college meant that I had an opportunity to start over fresh with new friends if my old friends rejected me because of my trans status. Basically, I was fed up with being angry, alone, and afraid.

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FAQ: So people can ask these questions less frequently

Newer questions are towards the top, older questions are towards the bottom.

Q12: Do you pass as a male? Do people look at you weird in public? How are you treated?

A11: I'm treated just like everybody else, and I don't get weird looks in public unless I do something weird. As for if I'm passable as a male, check MY GALLERY and decide for yourself.

Q11: Are you stealth? Who knows you're trans?

Q10: How long did it take you to make this site?

Q9: So basically ... you're a girl who wants to be a boy?

Q8: Do you have a penis? Can you ever have one? Will you ever have one?

Q7: How's your love life? Do you tell all your girlfriends about this? If so, how do they handle and feel about it?

Q6: What's the difference between a butch (manly) lesbian and a FTM? And are you sure you aren't a confused lesbian?

Q5: Are you gay? Who are you attracted to?

A5: Attractive people. But seriously, no, I'm not gay. I'm attracted to females, and since I'm not a female myself, I'm not gay. Gender and sexuality are two different things. Gender is who you are, sexuality is who you like. I'm male, I like females. I'm straight.

Q4: Can you bear children? Do you want to?

Q3: How can I address FTMs without offending them?

Q2: Where did you find all the information you know about gender dysphoria? how did you become an expert on it?

Q1: What point did you realize that it was gender dysphoria and that you needed to take action? Was there a certain occurrence that sticks out in your memory that made you realize you couldn't stay in that body any longer?