And this is the condensed version ...

I was born on September 19, 1987 in Jakarta, Indonesia. Skipping the unnecessary details, I felt out of place in my gender and body as far as I can remember, probably starting at the age of 4 or 5. The memory's blurry, but I recall that whenever I played with my cousins (I have a large family), I always stuck to the guys and was often criticized for being such a tomboy all the time by my aunts and uncles.


Jakarta, Indonesia at night.

I came to beautiful Los Angeles, California August 1990, settled in, learned the language in a snap, fell in love with the beaches, got good grades, and formed a clique in elementary school. My first true best friend was a boy named David Perlovich, along with a few other boys, I hung to my crew like glue. I was the recipient of snide remarks all my life about my masculinity and how I never dressed like a girl or acted like one, I think it's because of the insults that I developed into a playground bully. During recess, David and I often played this roleplaying game we created where we were imaginary characters and the playground was a fictional world. We made the storyline and acted out the combat and stuff, it was cool then and ... it's still cool now when I think about it. I always played the role of a male, it was just instinctive to me. At times, some of the girls in my grade would crack jokes about how David and I were a couple (I let girls off the hook easier), and I recall being so disturbed by the thought that I'd avoid him for long periods of time. This was significant because I had never felt so disgusted about anything in my life as much as I felt about having a boyfriend, that was a huge wake-up call.

When I was about 6, I told my parents just randomly that I wanted to be a boy and that I felt like one. They just laughed at me and brushed it off condescendingly. Great parenting there. I never attempted to tell them ever again after being so embarrassed and insulted. I guess the words of an honest 6 year old are worth less than an ignorant 32 year old.

All my crushes were always girls, though I never considered myself a lesbian (at that age, I didn't really understand the concept of homosexuality even though I was one hell of a smart kid). My first major crush was in third grade on a girl one year older than me named Katherine Choi. I used to do the whole "annoy the girl so she'll notice me" routine and things were cool for a while. I never made a move even though I wanted to, I eventually helped her hook up with one of my close friends, Anthony Bolosan (yes, that sucked for me). My first celebrity crush was Emma Bunton (aka Baby Spice) from the Spice Girls (stop laughing, seriously), I loved that woman for years, heh heh. I used to buy the CDs and cut out the pictures from teen magazines ... my parents thought it's because I was a huge fan, but I didn't care too much for the music or the group as much as her.


Looking at that picture ... I still have a thing for her.

Every formal event that I had to attend was a nightmare, they were things I would stress and lose sleep over. Events that stick out in my mind right now include my piano recital, graduations, my aunt's wedding, school pictures, etc. All my life, I was vehemently anti-dress and never understood why I couldn't just wear what my dad wore. I actually have rock hard evidence of this, all the pictures where I was forced to wear a dress are pictures of me with my eyes puffy and red from crying. It sucked, it was humiliating, and incredibly traumatic.

When middle school rolled around, I discovered the wonders of the internet. In 6th grade, just randomly, on some search engine, I typed in "sex change" not expecting to find anything but discovering a WEALTH of information. I was first extremely excited, but once I thought of the money factor, the convincing of my family and friends, the surgeries, the possible discrimination, excitement promptly turned into hopelessness. I temporarily regretted ever researching transitioning because now I knew that it was possible BUT that I couldn't do it ... which is worse than not knowing at all. I stored the information in my head for later use, without any intention of actually using it.

At that time, I was so desperate for a way to cope with my feelings that I actually looked forward to puberty in the hopes that my mind would suddenly change and that I would be comfortable in my body and gender. I waited for years, good things happened like my height, but other things happened that I hated ... specifically my chest. It was more traumatizing when I had to change in the girl's locker room in middle school, that was one of the worst things. Ever.

I searched for solace, and surprisingly, I found it on the internet. Starting at about 5th/6th grade, grade I found a way to express my inner male through text roleplaying on AOL. I always had a male alias, I briefly went by "Alex". I eventually settled on the name "Bryan" because I was a huge Backstreet Boys fan (I dreamed of being in a boy band and serenading the ladies, stfu, I was young!) and Brian was my favorite member. The name also meant "the strong one" and it stuck for six years. I preferred the spelling of the name with a "Y" instead of an "I" because the "Y' makes the name appear wider and sturdier for some reason. It's also less common than the "I" version. My characters were always male of course. I preferred the internet to my life because on the internet, I wasn't judged and I felt liberated, even if it was just a temporary solution.


Brian Littrell. Backstreet Boys still rock ... don't argue.

There was a suicide attempt somewhere during seventh grade, but that's not important. Moving on!

I was pretty much gender neutral through elementary and middle school. I didn't mind my body too much ... until puberty hit in freshman year of high school. Before, whatever problems I had with my body could be hid under clothing. As time progressed, there were changes that I couldn't deny like my body shape, my voice, and that evil monthly thing that always made me want to jump off a cliff. Once puberty came into full swing, the sudden change in my feelings and the desire to be female that I expected and prayed for never came. I had lots of friends, a great family ... basically, a great life, and yet I secretly wanted something that would flip my world upside down.

I had a lot of rocky relationships during this time. I liked the girls I was with, but I hated being viewed as gay, that bothered me to no ends. I tried the lesbian thing for a brief time, but it wasn't me because I never felt female. Ever. Nothing against lesbians of course, more power to my sisters out there. Anyway, because of that, my relationships never lasted. I also hated my body and eventually myself, the self-loathing made me one bitter son of a bitch.

High school rolled around, no change in my feelings, I still felt male, but knew I was helpless as long as I was a minor. In 11th grade I had to have major hip surgery for reasons unrelated to gender. During the time off my feet, I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and what the hell I was going to do after high school. Thus far, I could hide or cope with my issues through the internet or some other method. Eventually I'd need to get a job, get married, have kids (not that anyone is restricted to that, but I personally wanted to get married and have kids though not as a female) so I either needed to handle this soon or I'd be royally screwed. I figured senior year of high school was the best time to try things out, I sought out a therapist after I healed from surgery in June of 2004. My transition started there.

Me now.

For more on the actual transition, check the transition page.

September 2005, my parents found out I had been on T for over two months. Actually, they noticed the not-so-subtle changes in my voice and I told them the rest when they confronted me in Vegas on my birthday (talk about bad timing). I had hoped that this was the opportunity for them to finally understand, btu sadly, it seemed like they were more intent on changing ME than changing their perspective and comprehending what was going on. To make a long story short, I was fed up with their "just wait a while, it's a phase" comments and announced October 2005 that I would be moving out. Our family lived in Los Angeles for more than 14 years, but my parents bought a house in August 2005 and moved to Las Vegas. I decided to stay in LA for obvious reasons, some of which are: my friends, college, transition resources, familiarity, AWAY from the family, etc. etc. Anyway, back to the story. So I bravely declared I was moving out despite not having much of a plan. I roughed it for the rest of the school semester even though I was working 40 hours and a fulltime student at the same time. One of my best friends came to my rescue and at the end of November 2005 / the start of December 2005, I moved in with him and his brother in a 2 story townhouse in Van Nuys. It was there that I could freely continue my transition without my parents hindering my progress.

My parents told me that they would not financially support a lifestyle they did not agree with, even though my schooling had nothing to do with a lifestyle they disagreed with, they stopped paying for college. Financial Aid couldn't help me because the payments were due too closely and therefore, I disenrolled from college with plans to take the semester off, get a second job, save up for surgery and other things, and then re-enroll to school in Fall 2006. December 08, 2005, I came in to Children's Hospital and received my first official (before, a friend had administered T for me) shot of testosterone (100mg) from Dr. Belzer and the good folks at Los Angeles Children's Hospital.

On May 18th, 2006, with assistance from LA Children's Hospital and The Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center, I went to the Van Nuys courthouse on Victory and Van Nuys Blvd. and officially changed my name to Bryan Scott. It was a happy day to say the least. My relationship with my family steadily improved as I worked two jobs and towards the end of 2006, I moved into my own two-bedroom apartment with financial assistance from my parents. They are still hesitant to acknowledge my situation, but their priority for me is college, so they began to financially support me more. I quit one job and enrolled into community college with plans to transfer to a 4 year university (can someone say, USC?). I began to have more contact with my immediate and extended family, one by one, they fell like dominoes and began to accept me and my situation more. I think at the heart of it, they loved me for who I am rather than what I'm doing, which made all the difference. My aunts, uncles, and cousins are all on my side now, it's just my parents that have yet to come into terms with it. I figure it's much harder if it's your own child than if it's someone else's child.

On January 2007, I called Dr. Alter's office to make an appointment for a consultation for top surgery. I saw him on April 26, 2007 and received a quote, but due to a lack of funds, I postponed chest surgery. At the moment, I am focused 100% on college, and enjoying my life as a man with intentions to have top surgery in the near future when my financial situation permits it.

This is where we come to the present day ...