ON TRANSITIONING: Getting a Girlfriend

Last Updated: 09/29/2008

 

Dating is a complex thing by itself, but for most transguys, our situation makes it that much more complicated. I had a ton of stress going into the dating scene, the main issue being how a girl would view me once she knew of my situation. Would she still see me as male? Would she no longer be attracted to me? Would she stop talking to me entirely? Am I weird to her? Could we still be friends? Moreover, when should I tell her I’m trans? Should I even tell her at all? These are tricky questions with no obvious and guaranteed solutions, however, I’d like to share some of my experiences, give some tips, and make a big and scary topic manageable.

 

            The number one thing is to understand the girl you’re approaching, I never dive head first into any relationship without knowing who I’m getting into it with. Being open-minded is the number one trait that I look for in a girl. Looks mean nothing if the girl disagrees with us and what we’re doing. We can’t help being the way we are, so our options are to either somehow be reborn as male, or find a girl who accepts our identity—the latter is much easier, trust me. Some of the ways I get a feel for a girl’s true nature is to ask about her political views and religious beliefs. I never go straight to the issue of gender transitioning because that would be too direct and suspicious. I like to go around and broach topics like gay marriage and gender identity seen in the media. Odds are, if she’s friendly to those topics, you have a good shot of her accepting you. Not all people against gay marriage and gays will discriminate against transmen but common sense puts two and two together. There might be exceptions, I don’t know, but I usually conclude that girls against gay marriage are going to be transphobic.

 

I enter all relationships with the intention of eventually telling the girl about my transition once we’re romantically involved-- but not before we’re familiar with each other. I wait first because dropping the TG bomb usually scares girls off without giving me an opportunity to show my true personality and character, the concept is too foreign and distracting. Once a girl knows about your trans situation, it’s unlikely she can focus on anything else but that. The worst case scenario is that she’ll view you as a masculine female and treat you like a big sister or an artificial brother. Either way—it’s platonic, and that’s not what you want. Instead, I put a face on the issue by putting myself forward and letting them absorb things about me unrelated to it like being a Lakers fan, USC fan, sushi lover, etc. They know me as a brother, friend, son, student, goofball, and so on and so forth. It’s only later that I out myself to these girls out of respect for them, not me. I already know I’m trans, but I owe it to them if we’re entering a serious relationship to inform them exactly what they’re getting into.

 

I HIGHLY DISCOURAGE transguys to lie through their relationships by trying to pass themselves off as bioguys. Look, I know we hate labels and a lot of us dislike being called ‘transguys’. The fact is, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news (cringe as you may), you WERE born differently than biological males. We were NOT born with penises. Yes, this fact hurts, but please please PLEASE do not be self-delusional and wreck a poor girl’s (or guy’s) psyche, feelings, and possibly life because you were too cowardly to admit the truth until it was too late (marriage, anyone?). This has been known to happen to transmen trying to pass themselves off as sterile bioguys, they marry, have kids, possibly divorce, and who knows what insanity ensues from there. The fact is, we are transmen. We might strive to be men, and make no mistake, I do acknowledge myself as a man, but I also recognize my unique circumstances and never forget them. I would be an idiot to think otherwise, especially if I was in a freak accident and needed medical care but chose to lie my way through instead. Not only that, lying your way through a relationship seriously injures the reputation of transmen everywhere. We’re underrepresented in the population as is, we need to make good impressions where we can. Don’t set the precedent for being deceptive, or you will contribute to creating a negative stereotype similar to the ridiculous one of transwomen all being hookers. The term ‘transmen’ is no different than ‘black men’, or ‘white men’-- we are a type of man, but we are still men. Don’t be afraid of the word because to fear the word is to fear the concept. Don’t be afraid of yourselves, fellas. This is your life. Embrace it, as different as you might have prayed for it to turn out. But, I digress-- back to the point. I always get to know the girl first so she has a solid grasp on who I am as a person, but I’m always aware that revealing I’m trans could scare her away. It’s sad, but it’s a reality and goes with any sort of revelation (criminal history, certain religious affiliation, etc.). I make sure never to engage in physically romantic stuff like kissing and of course sex until she knows I’m trans because the overwhelming feeling of betrayal she’ll feel will kick your ass. Trust me. I know from experience. One of the most tragic situations in my life occurred when I lied for a long time (a LONG time) to a girl I loved about being trans, led her on for years, and then dropped the bomb on my situation way too late in the game. She left me, but told me it wasn’t because I was trans—it was because I had lied to her. Basically, she would have dated me had I told her earlier on, but because I waited, there was no chance for us. To this day, I look back on that blunder and slap myself. Learn from my mistakes. Or, make your own and experience some intense pain.

 

            Okay, so you found a girl that seems open-minded, nice, accepting, and all that good stuff. You’ve also hung out with her and there’s chemistry. Here’s (arguably) the toughest part of the process—coming out to her. How in the hell do you drop that size bombshell on her? For me, it was the worst part (and continues to be the worst part) of relationship building. Ideally, you’ll want to tell her before you two officially become a couple, but hey … it’s really easy to get carried away without telling her until you’re in too deep and the thought of losing this girl is so horrible that you’d continue to lie despite the gnawing guilt that’s eating away your heart (emo sentence, but not an overstatement). Look, I know. I’ve been there. I’ve lived that anxiety and pain, and I suspect a ton of guys (if not all) have too.

 

To non-trans people reading this article, I want to paint this intricate picture vividly before I offer the solution. Imagine stumbling on the love of your life, someone who evokes a kind of happiness that you’ve never felt before. You love her, she loves you, and you two seem like such a great couple destined to reach new heights. Then, imagine this massive 400 ft. Great-Wall-of-China-like barrier that falls from the sky right between you two. You’re faced with two decisions—reveal your secret that you weren’t born male and gamble the relationship and future with her, or shut your trap, keep your distance and preserve the relationship by settling for just a friendship. Imagine telling someone you love and who loves you back that you can’t be with them for fear of losing them but you can’t explain the reason why. Think of the confusion and conflict. This is all done because the prospect of living without them is so terrifying that you’d settle to watch on the sidelines as a friend as this person you love dates other guys who you know aren’t right for her. You stand there wondering the what-ifs … what could have been possible but isn’t. That’s the kind of scenario most transguys face, that is our sad reality. Because of this, there have been many cases where transguys will jump into relationships with girls and not tell them far into the relationship. I urge readers who now have an idea of what our lives are, and what kind of heartaches we experience to show mercy, forgiveness, and to understand that what is perceived as a lie is not really a lie, and it’s definitely not an intentional, malicious act. For most of us afraid to face our inner demons and seek that love and companionship, it’s similar to living life behind a glass window. For me, I was always such a sad kid growing up because other kids were allowed to form their first crushes while I could only watch sadly and keep my feelings bottled up inside for fear of being called weird. I was always attracted to girls, but the way people perceived me made my feelings homosexual. I was very lonely growing up. I hope outsiders looking in understands the predicament now.

 

To my transguys, there is hope. I know I painted a dismal picture but I’ve had great success with girls that I wanted to share my coming out stories. I rarely come out to friends who didn’t know me prior to transitioning because it’s too much of a hassle, but I’ve always came out to girls I’ve dated. First off, I want absolute privacy and a one-on-one conversation with no distractions. This is pivotal in whether or not a relationship will be established and it has to be done right. I also like to make sure my schedule is clear since this usually runs for a couple of hours (the discussion). I start by going over the history between me and the girl to put it all into perspective like reminding her when we first met, pleasant memories, funny memories, etc. I do this because I want to firmly remind her of the link between us. Then I tell her how much I like her and what I like about her specifically. I don’t forget to mention what it is about her that compliments me, and why I think we’re great for each other. This is right around the time when the conversation gets heavy. I tell her that before we get into a relationship (or if you already are in one, to tell her before you go further into the relationship) that there’s something about me she needs to know. I tell her that while it’s a huge part of my identity, it doesn’t define all of me, and doesn’t dictate my future. I always remind people that I’m a human being, that I’m not just ‘that transsexual’. I’m a student, I’m a future doctor, I’m a brother, son, friend, etc. ‘TG guy’ does not and has never defined me. Then I tell her that I’m slightly different from other people because I was born with a testosterone deficiency (this is to start slow) and then if she doesn’t understand that hint, to just come out with it. I tell her how I’m transgender, my life, my struggles, and my hopes and dreams as a person. At this point, what kind of response you get varies radically from person to person. One reaction I’m certain you’ll get is surprise. Unless you gave clues along the way, and assuming you pass in public, this should totally take her off guard. People in shock tend to have jumbled thoughts so there’s a huge chance she won’t be able to formulate a coherent response immediately. If there’s silence, I like to reiterate how much I like her, and all the positive aspects of our relationship. I’d also like to remind her that I hope this doesn’t change her perception of me and that I’m still the same person. At that point, if there’s still just a blank, gaping expression on her face I opt to give her time and space to sort it out and leave. If she’s not completely flattened by shock from the revelation and asks questions, this is usually a positive sign. Answer all her questions completely and truthfully, leave no stone unturned. I feel that after coming out to a girl, it’s like throwing the ball in her court and up to her to make the next move. The fact that you took all this time, effort, and courage to tell her should tell her how serious you are about wanting this relationship. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have bothered going through all the trouble and mental/emotional anguish. Ultimately, I back off and let her call me first when she’s ready to give me a response. I NEVER settle for NO response. It’s either a “I’m not okay with this, I’m sorry” or a “It’s fine with me, let’s be together” but I do NOT accept playing it stupid and pretending it never happened. This creates crazy levels of awkwardness.

 

I find that once I come out to someone, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. This could just be the kind of person I am, but the most stressful part of the process is coming out. The rest of it—like how they react/think of me—is secondary. I have no idea why I’m like that because I don’t care what people think of me, but I’m so hesitant to tell them about me. Maybe I do care what people think. I don’t know. Back to the point! Two things can happen at this point—acceptance or rejection.

 

If she says yes, you’ll definitely be grinning like an idiot for weeks from how happy you are. Where the relationship goes from here is something I’m not going to attempt to write about because the possibilities are endless. However, I always tell my girlfriends that it is NOT OKAY, under any circumstances, for her family to know about my trans status. It’s simply unnecessary and has the possibility to destabilize everything. I also suggest going easy on informing her about your entire life, unless she asks for it, don’t suffocate her with too much too soon because it might scare her off. I tell my girlfriends to ask me anything they want because I will tell them if there’s a question I’m uncomfortable answering. I keep the lines of communication open and if there’s something I don’t know or can’t say face-to-face but want them to know—I like to communicate through e-mail, AIM, or some form of web messaging. It’s easier for me to type than talk at times.

 

Rejection is the other option, it sucks, but it happens. Trust me, being rejected by girls happen to everyone—bio-guys especially—so don’t take it personally. Don’t dwell on it because you are investing your time, thoughts, and feelings on someone who is not your girlfriend. Focus instead on finding another girl, isn’t that a better use of your resources? Don’t be traumatized from being rejected or else you’ll miss out on some of the gems in the world. Happiness doesn’t come easy and without hard work—no matter how many times you’re knocked down, you must get back up and try it again. Think of how stupid you’d feel if you sat in Heaven, recanted your life, and realized your soulmate was the one girl you didn’t approach because the last girl made you afraid to try just one more time ...

 

Remember—if at first you don’t succeed … well, you know the rest. I’d love to hear any success stories out there, feel free to e-mail me or sign the guestbook and tell me about it. Good luck!